It has been every since I returned from my trip earlier this year. I'm sure most of my friends and family are sick of hearing me talk about it, since I'm constantly either reading books on the country, or otherwise trying to stay a little up to date on what is still going on over there. Anyhow, the organization I went with just extended their project from January 15, 2011, to December, 2011. Which means....I want to go back.
I wish that my decision to go back, and the preparations following such a decision, could be seamless and easy. But as most things in this life, it has complications upon complications. Jeff will be starting a new job soon (yipee!!!), which means we should be able to get health insurance in about three months...which means we'd like to start thinking about expanding our little family. So I have to be very careful about planning my trip...I definitely can't go if I'm pregnant, which means heading back sooner rather than later. This means I have less time to raise the funds to go (I'm thinking it's going to be a little more difficult the second time around).
Thinking about this trip has also got my mind all jumbled up and thinking about so many other things...why do I really wanna go back? Is it just for me? Is it to help the people in Haiti, or just because it's something different? I want to say it's for altruistic reasons, but I know it's because it's something that makes ME happy. Which then makes me wonder if I should really be putting my family into a financially precarious situation just to do something I want to do. Wouldn't my time be better spent at home, with my husband? On the other hand, I don't want to regret not going back, when I feel it's something I need to do for me. Once we start having kids, I can't just drop everything and go to Haiti for two weeks.
Then I start to wonder if I unnecessarily complicate my life by wanting to do the things I want to do. I'm trying to make this career in the non profit arena (which hasn't been happening for me so far) and constantly try to get involved in as many worthy activities as I can. What would I do with myself if I just focused on being a little more selfish...what if I went to college and law school just to make money and be financially stable, rather than wanting to "save the world"? What if I just spent the weekends picking up my home rather than organizing field trips to build a house in Mexico, or attending fundraisers? I wonder if my life would be just a little bit easier. But I also can't think of what else I would want to do with my life.
Suggestions and prayers are always welcomed :)
We could debate for hours about the existence of a purely selfless act... but at the end of the day, why does it matter? You are still helping people. To feel the need to suffer when being charitable is in and of itself a narcissistic viewpoint, no? Don't stress about the fact that you like helping people too much! That's a good thing!
ReplyDeletei agree! i think you should do as many things that please and inspire and challenge you as possible before committing to having kids! and, after you have them, you can keep doing whatever it is you like and want -- in addition to being a good provider. i mean, who wouldn't want a mom who is instead of baking cookies on sunday organizing cool trips to mexico?!
ReplyDeletei worry about the same things re: altruistic vs. pseudo-altruistic. at the end of the day, does it matter? the outcome is the same no matter what your motivation, that you're helping people in need. do we question why we have sex? no, but it doesn't matter who put the drive there or why, the outcome is good: more people on the planet!
love your blog!