New Hobby

Row 3: Ch 3 (counts as first dc), turn;

2 dc in same st, skip next 2 dc, sc in next 5dc,

(5 dc in next sc, skip next 2 dc, sc in next dc)

across to last 3 sts, skip next 2 dc, 3 dc in last sc:

86 dc and 17 sc

Row 4: Ch 1, turn; sc in first dc

(5 dc in next sc, skip next 2 dc, sc in next dc) across:

85 dc and 18 sc

What does all of this mean?

It took me a while to figure out....but it leads to this:

The Day I got Two Letters

Last week, an old college buddy invited me to participate as a speaker in a career fair at his school in downtown LA. I confessed to Jeff that this has been something of a bucket list item for me: I've always wanted to participate, or be asked to participate, in a career day at a school. I'm not sure why. Maybe it makes me feel better about spending so much time and money on my education. Maybe it helps my self-esteem a little bit. Whatever the reason, I obviously said yes.

So I went. I tried to find a balance between: follow your dreams, but don't be stupid about thinking you're going to become a millionaire just because you invest tons of money into a degree. If it's your dream, do it. If you just want to make money, think it through. I'm not sure how much of this made sense to them, or if they even cared, but at least it was good practice for my public speaking skills.

On her way out, one girl dropped a note on the table in front of me. It was folded in that way that you fold all notes that you pass in class in high school. The outside said:

"To: you

From: [her name]"

I liked the "you."

Then I opened it.

"Hey there well i don't know your name but it seems like you're

a good person. My point is if you can help us we've been here in CA for 12 or 11 years we are not citizens or nothing. Well to tell you a little background when i was 2 or 3 years old i came here illegally hope you don't take us back to Mexico. me and my dad and some friends were brought here first then they brought my mom. anyway can you help us fix our papers only me and my parents where born in Mex. My bros and sis were born here....Please help us I don't want this to affect me when i get to college :) please call. oh i'm a freshman

ABOUT ME!

well i like art. i want to have 2 jobs when i grow up

my dad never finds a job

my mom takes care of my bros

want to know more write back or you can come pull me out of clase! please"

My first reaction was, wow, someone is asking ME for help, and there's a possibility that I can help them. That's an amazing feeling.

But then I think more about it, and it makes me a little angry. It sucks that this freshman in high school is already worried about whether she'll be able to go to college or not, because her parents brought her here illegally when she was a baby. That sucks. That really sucks. And who should have to dream about having two jobs just to have stability?

I read it again later, and then realized she asked me to pull her out of class, and I had to laugh. So typical of being in high school: hey, here's this super serious issue I have, can I use it to ditch my next class? I'm not saying the only reason she wrote to me was to get out of class, but I think it's hilarious that she took the opportunity to try to get out of class :)

I haven't had a chance to call her yet, but I will. I'm thinking if her parents haven't fixed their situation yet, it's probably because they can't. But it's worth finding out if money is the only thing holding them back or not.

After that, I went to a book club meeting, and then I finally went home. And there I found these:

Along with my second letter of the day. It was a card from Jeff. The front says "incredible." The inside text says: "to listen deeply, love without limits, and live with intention. you inspire me to be more." Jeff added:

"I'm so proud of you sweetheart. I am sure all your hard work will pay off. Just keep being you. My caring, focused, over planning beautiful wife. No matter what any one else says, I know you will figure it out."

I'm not sure what I did to deserve him, but I'm so happy I have him in my life.

Days like that day, and words like those words, help me believe that my semi-unconventional path is a-ok.

Discussions on Development: Latinoamerica

Calle 13: Latinoamerica

(radio transmission, indigenous language)

I am
I am what they left
I'm the leftovers of what was stolen.
A village hidden on the peak,
My skin is made of leather that's why it stands any weather.
I'm a factory of smoke,
A peasant work of art for your consumption
In the middle of summer, frente de frio en el medio del verano
Love in the Time of Cholera, my brother.
I am the one that is born and the day he dies
with the best sun sets
I am development in flesh and blood
a political discourse without saliva.
The most beautiful faces I've met,
I'm the photograph of a missing person.
I'm the blood inside your veins,
I'm a piece of land that is worth it.
I'm a basket with beans,
I'm Maradona against England scoring 2 goals.
I'm what that holds my flag,
the backbone of my planet, is my mountain range
I'm what that my father taught me,
Who doesn't love his country doesn't love his mother.
I'm Latin America, a people without legs but that walk

Listen

You can't buy the wind.
You can't buy the sun.
You can't buy the rain.
You can't buy the heat.
You can't buy the clouds.
You can't buy the colors.
You can't buy my happiness.
You can't buy my pains.

(repeated)

I have the lakes, I have the rivers.
I have my teeth for when I smile.
The snow that beautifies my mountains.
I have the sun that dries me and the rain that washes me
A desert intoxicated with peyote

A drink of pulque
To sing with the coyotes

All that I need.

I have my lungs breathing clear blue,
The height that suffocates
I'm the molars of my mouth chewing coca.
Autumn with its fainted leaves
The verses written under the starry night
A vineyard filled with grapes.
A sugar cane plantation under the Cuban sun. sun in cuba
I'm the Caribbean Sea that watches over the little houses,
Making rituals of holy water.
The wind that combs my hair
I'm all the saints that hang from my neck.
The juice of my struggle is not artificial,
Because the fertilizer of my land is natural.

You can't buy the wind.
You can't buy the sun.
You can't buy the rain.
You can't buy the heat.
You can't buy the clouds.
You can't buy the colors.
You can't buy my happiness.
You can't buy my pains.
(in purtuguese)
You can't buy the wind.
You can't buy the sun.
You can't buy the rain.
You can't buy the heat.
You can't buy the clouds.
You can't buy the colors.
You can't buy my happiness.
You can't buy my sadness.

You can't buy the sun.
You can't buy the rain.

we are walking

we are walking

we are drawing the way

we are walking

You can't buy my life.
MY LAND IS NOT FOR SALE.

I work hard but with pride,
Here we share, what's mine is yours.
This town doesn't drown with big waves.
And if it collapses I will rebuild it.
I don't blink either when I see you
So that you remember my surname.
Operation Condor invading my nest.
I forgive but I'll never forget, listen

(we are walking)
Here we breath struggle
(we are walking)

I sing because you can hear it

we are drawing the way

Here we are on our feet

Long live Latin America.

You can't buy my life.

(most of the translation obtained here)

Music Corner: Random Songs

Here are a few random songs I've enjoyed (not uber exciting discoveries, but I thought I'd pass them along anyway).

Fun: We are young.

I hated the actual video. So this had to do.

Washed Out.

Beatriz Luengo: Como tu no hay dos

Can I just say, I absolutely LOVE when musical instruments are used as props...ha.

Things I want: Shoes

TOMS Classic Red.

Reef Guatemalan threads.

How I will get them: I plan on figuring out how to set up art shows for Jeff at the Santa Ana downtown art walk, and the LA art walk. Then he'll HAVE to buy them for me :)

Getting it Right

These past two weeks have been pretty great. I've received some comments lately that have reinforced where I'm going with my life, and make me feel like I'm doing something right. Maybe not everything, but something.

Abby contacted me about looking for volunteer work for her daughter. I know, this isn't huge, and I'm sure she could have just looked something up online, but...she asked me. I was her go-to person, and I thought that was pretty fabulous.

A couple days after that, I got a message from someone I went to undergrad with. He's now doing some pretty great things, including working towards a Ph.D. He's part of an organization at his school that does some community service projects, and he messaged me asking about some of the organizations I have worked with. We still have to chat a little about what he needs/is looking for, but again...he thought about and contact me when needed to talk to someone about this.

Then, my friend Annie posted this on my wall (not the actual wall of my room...but you know...the cyber kind of wall):

"I was just thinking...Steve Jobs started Apple out in his garage and now, its this incredible company changing the lives of so many people in the world (not to mention, he was the CEO of Pixar, movies I love). If he can do it, I know you can too. Go make your dreams a reality, Alex! I am here every step of the way to support you! Love you!"

Seriously? Amazing.

Finally, yesterday after tutoring I stopped by my mom's house for a little visit. Her work has these jobs once a year where nonprofits and charitable organizations come out, and try to get you to donate a couple bucks from each of your paychecks to them. My mom picked up a book for me, as well as some other material from a nonprofit called "Zambia's Scholarship Fund." Inside the book was the business card for the President of the organization, and a handwritten dedication:

"Alexandra, thanks for your good works."

All of this has been almost surreal, to be quite honest. I feel really happy that when people want to participate in volunteer work or charity work, I'm the person that pops into their head. I guess part of it is because sometimes I feel guilty or silly about all the stuff I post on here and facebook about this kind of stuff...I feel like it may not really matter, or that no one really cares. Getting these messages from people, however, makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing.

I feel like I should add a disclaimer here. I'm not sharing these vignettes because I think they're right, or because I think I deserve it, but because it is really encouraging, and gives me hope that I'm on the right path. Sometimes I feel like I've let people down by not pursuing a traditional legal career, or any traditional career. Hearing these comments and getting these emails/messages from people helped me realize that I'll be okay no matter what. Regardless of what nonconventional path I follow, I have people who are interested in what I do, people who will support me and my endeavors, and people who appreciate the kind of work I hope to keep doing.

Thank you :)

Growth Spurts

I had a 2-3 month hiatus from my tutoring family, from May to July-ish. Between my oddly hectic schedule, and them flying off the Spain and Ireland for the Summer, it was easier to just cancel things for a while.

As soon as they started school though, I got the text asking if I wanted to keep tutoring this year. HELLS TO THE YEAH. That was my response.

So a few weeks ago I drove to their house for the first time in what felt like ages. I was not ready for what was about to go down.

When the door opened, their youngest was there, and said (very clearly) "hello." "Oh, are you talking now?" "Yes." WTF?! How did this little boy go from being a tiny little baby, who was kinda stumbling around, to walking very steadily and blurting out full coherent lines, and understanding everything I said?

Then the second to youngest peeps his head from around the corner (he's always hiding from me...I haven't figured out why yet). It seems like he had a make over this Summer, and is sporting a completely new look. A look that makes him look like a little boy instead of a toddler.

I seriously felt like it had been at least a year since I'd seen them, based on their current appearance. I know...kids grow fast...but still...this felt insane.

The best part was when we sat at the dinner table. Remember how the second to youngest (I'm gonna have to come up with nicknames for them pretty soon..) used to say the prayer before dinner? It would kinda be semi-coherent, and the parents would help out. Well, he can say it perfectly clear now. And the youngest has taken his place: he now asks to say the blessing each time, and fumbles his way to the end. I felt a strange sense of deja-vu :)

I love seeing each of these children through their various phases of growing up. I really hope I can continue to be a part of this amazing family years after they no longer need a tutor.

Related posts:

Amen!

Kids make the world go round

Discussion on Development: I have never paid the full price for a cup of coffee

Guest post by Mike Goldstein

Alex asked me to write a blog post about what to do in Haiti and that's turned out to be a really fucking complicated task. Haiti is such a persistent source of frustration, anxiety and astonishment to the world that Haiti is not just Haiti the place. We can't look at it that way anymore because it's clearly something more profound to us. It matters to us, it has its hooks in us. So I'm trying to go about exploring what Haiti is by starting with what it represents psychologically. That is, assuming we manifest this, what personal characteristic is dark enough to be Haiti, and what kind of person are we humans?

Well, I think it's this: I think we're an addict with a profound sense of guilt and also a profound morality. I think we're afraid of dealing with what's real, so we cope through addiction, which hurts us and others. Guilt is the pain that demands we reconcile our actions with our morality. And that's Haiti.

How does this translate. We are addicted to buying things for our comfort and security. But in our system, things need to be affordable. Though slavery was outlawed in the US, the exploitation didn't disappear - it had to go somewhere, so it went offshore to Haiti and other spots in the developing world. But it's the same concept: workers make less money than they're owed so that our products are affordable. Their muscles pay the difference, and we also draw against the land. It's the suffering of which we spare ourselves the sight. I've never paid the full price for a cup of coffee.

But we have a sense of this pain and we want to stop it because we're moral - though with one hand we buy the thing that requires their underpaid labor, with the other we try to help.

The best minds have attempted to cure this, but despite the world's well-wishes, prayers, money and work, Haiti is still slow to heal. It hints at a disconnect - if we keep doing what we're doing we will never reconcile our comfort with our morality. The story we normally tell ourselves about ourselves is incomplete because it doesn't include the damage that eventually comes of our addiction.

After traveling the world I've come to some conclusions, one of which is the following: It's a myth that the US has done something right and that Haiti has done something wrong. The comfort we experience is not the result of a superior system. In fact, our system is not our system, it's THE system, it's the global system. We sit at the top of a wheel and siphon wealth from the unlucky places at the bottom.

--

When I was younger it was easy to proclaim that we needed to crash the system because I knew that it would never happen so I could never be proven wrong. Pretty safe position to take. Now, though, I guess it feels a little closer at hand, intentional or not. So while I don't think the following can be prescribed, I present it as my vision of a healthy society and, therefore, the tack I've started taking with my own life (where applicable). My feeling is that we might as well adopt it sooner rather than later because it'll probably happen at some point anyway.

So, I imagine the alternative to material accumulation is a kind of mutualism, in which our actions, relationships and exchanges are mutually beneficial. Here's what a mutualist paradigm might suggest for Haiti and for the US:

1) An emphasis on wisdom in the education system, from the in-body perspective. For some weird reason we're building schools in Haiti and encouraging them to follow our lead. Our education system doesn't even work that great here. It trains people for uninspired careers in a global economy that's teetering.

- Both places should emphasize physical, emotional and spiritual health based on our relationship with the natural world. There should be a focus on nature and natural phenomena (how to slaughter a chicken, how to save seeds, how to hunt, how to make medicine, etc.) and it should be more guided than taught - let kids follow their interest. "In-body" means subjective experience. That is to say, we should give the in-body experience precedence over external authority. For example, science might tell Haitians that Voodoo doesn't exist. Fuck that.

- The value of the internet to the planet's shared wisdom can't be overstated. In Haiti, getting everyone access to the internet should be one of the top priorities. I feel the best thing we can do for Haiti is give them access to the accumulated global knowledge.

- Another idea would be to foster mentorship within a community (which is to say, education does not need to be confined to schools).

2) An emphasis on localizing economies, governments, families and food systems. This reflects a focus on the real (food, touch, etc) instead of the abstract (money, nationalism, etc). This is a matter of being sensitive within ourselves, our relationships and the place we live. With each layer of abstraction we remove, we remove a depth of exploitation. As our current political climate reveals, anybody can say anything. Words are a technology that can be used for good or bad, so any systemic narratives that don't place a person at the center of his or her world should be dissolved. In practice this means starting (and patronizing) small businesses, giving preference to community problem-solving, and transitioning to local food production.

3) An emphasis on earth systems, which means food forests (permaculture), stream reclamation, etc. It's urgent that Haiti build up its topsoil. This can be done by re-introducing native plants and trees that had lived in equilibrium (permaculture) for the millennia before the French started exploiting the land. Haiti needs trees before the oil runs out. If they can't establish a way to feed themselves by the time transport stops, they're going to be seriously fucked (as will many of us). Though this might seem unnecessarily apocalypse-minded, answer me these questions: how long does it take for a forest to grow back from nothing? How many more years can we count on cheap oil to transport food around the world? I don't know the answers, but at least I'm being alarmist. What this emphasis on earth systems means for the US is ripping up our shaved-vagina front lawns and putting in food plants, for gods' sake.

3a) Remove extraneous luxuries. Our western culture needs to engage with the life-death cycle (death being the reality we avoid through addiction). (I don't know about the Haitian relationship with death.) We've been convinced that death is a bad thing, and as long as that's the case we can be controlled by the threat of death. I think even those of us who think we are ok with death would discover the opposite if we inspected our actions (just as every single one of us agrees that money doesn't buy happiness, yet many of us continue to labor as if it does). As essential as it is that Haiti resoil its land, it's just as essential that we lower our expectations for comfort. There's not enough material on this earth for every person to live like a middle-class westerner. I just made that fact up, but I'll bet it's true. In practice this means seeing how it feels to remove extraneous luxuries. How low can you go?

4) Parent no more than one child! This one is mind-bogglingly simple to me, but there's such ego around it that it's taboo. How long would it take for us to halve the population? Fifty years? The strain on our planet is more a matter of quantity than quality. I see this issue as a relative of 3a - as afraid as we are of death, we are equally stubborn about our right to procreate prolifically. I'll bet this is always a linear relationship. In developing countries this probably means continuing to provide access to birth control and sex education, but shit, you know, how's that going? Again, this large-scale stuff can't be prescribed, so we just have to practice it ourselves and talk openly about it. For the US this means getting used to a lot more oral and anal sex.

5) Justice. I have no idea how to accomplish this one, but I think the biggest problem in Haiti is actually the lack of justice that puts people at the mercy of gangs and criminals. There's a combination of fear and loyalty that seems to stall the system. Loyalty is the opposite of justice - remember that, kids. I have no idea what the real-life prescription would be for Haiti, probably a focus on anti-corruption. In our justice system I'd start with reassessing the correlation between drugs and damage.

I know this has been a long-winded answer, but you gotta write something, right? So, in a nutshell, I don't think the Haitians will have a chance at large-scale, sustainable health until their strength comes from the inside and the world stops messing with it. There are dozens of NGOs doing good things on a small scale in Haiti. Unfortunately there are thousands of NGOs there right now. Maybe we should all take a break. Give Haiti two years without any internal NGOs (except maybe some internet installation and medical groups), then let them invite us back one-by-one according to what they determine their need to be. There would be chaos, but shit has to hit the fan sometime. I don't know if it's helping to give them just enough support to keep them alive.

(I feel like I should leave you with a light-hearted message.)

Ultimately, though, the work we're doing there is an ineffective bandage as long as we continue paying people to cut them.

(yikes, that didn't work.)
Some links you might enjoy!
Kurt Vonnegut on addiction and the system

Addiction explained

Video about fear of death

Food forest in Vietnam

A guide to safe anal sex

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A huge thanks to Mike for being the first guest blogger on the Discussion on Development section of this blog!

I love that Mike wrote about this, because I really hadn't thought about my impact when I buy stuff, and that's a damn shame. Shortly after Mike emailed me his first draft, I went to Target and bought a great little sweater, for $6.00. I was stoked on the price, obviously. But then I thought about what Mike wrote, and I thought to myself, "huh, how much did the person who made this actually get paid?" I mean, you've got over head costs you have to figure in to this six dollars: lease, electricity, shipping, customs, not to mention you're paying the people at Target who stock and run the cash register (to name but a few of the expenses). Now, I know these sweaters are a dime a dozen, so the cost spread out across thousands of sweaters is probably relatively low. But that means someone is probably working under intense pressure to make as many sweaters as they can to meet a quota or to earn enough money off of each sweater they make, so they can put food on the table. Food for thought.

A couple more links I find appropriate:

How Many Slaves Work for You?

TED Talk: How to Combat Modern Slavery

Little Updates: A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Well, we finished moving and are completely settled in to our new home with Jeff's parents. For any who were curious, it's going really well. His parents are wonderful and easy to live with. It was weird at first just getting used to having roommates again, so I can't make Jeff's coffee in my PJ's (underwear...), but all of that is pretty minor. We really like our new room; in fact, we kinda like it better than the room from our apartment! Jeff's mom let me have the desk they had in the living room, which is pretty amazing. It has little cubbies for all my office/work stuff, and a drawer with a filing cabinet (nerd), and it's pretty amazing.

I still haven't quite figured out my productivity schedule. I'm up by 7:30am, which is when I make coffee for Jeff, make sure he's out of bed and on his way to work. It's not that he asks for me to wake up and make his coffee, but I just wake up at that time anyway. I can't seem to sleep in past 7...ever (except for Sunday, but that's because I was up on Saturday at 3:40am, and was in 100 degree heat all day...), so might as well get up and be productive. Anyhow, I check emails and my reader, maybe listen to a webinar from CharityHowTo or the Foundation Center, pick up the room a little, and then I either procrastinate by working on random projects (like doing cross stitch on an old blanket that's falling apart), or I try to get some work done on my cases. I really need to get better on focusing on the latter.

It's been pretty amazing though, this whole, "working on my own" thing. I can meet clients whenever I want, I can work on their stuff whenever I want, I can have lunch with friends whenever I want, I can book myself for volunteer events whenever I want.

I did apply for a part-time volunteer coordinator position at a non-profit that is literally 1.5 miles from our house. It doesn't pay much, but it would be great to work in something that I really want to acquire some skills and experience in, and also have a steady paycheck while I wait for clients to pay me. The organization looks amazing, and one that I'd like to be involved in over the long-term if things work out, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

We were finally able to buy Jeff the camera he's been wanting (Nikon D7000), and he got an amazing flash and lens for it (we had to return the lens because the automatic focus didn't work, hopefully we get a new one back soon). He's got two small weddings that he's already booked for this month, so we're hoping that will be an additional source of revenue for us. As for my wedding officiant business, I had one wedding last month in Spanish, and I've got two booked for this month. Our free Google advertising dried up, so I'm gonna have to invest some real money into our website if I want to keep getting leads. Seems like it's worth it so far.

So, between wedding ceremonies, legal cases, wedding photography, Jeff's steady work...I think we might be pulling it off finally. Which has me really worried. So far, our life has always been a bit of give and take: something great happens, then something else happens to even things out, and we land exactly where we were before that great thing happened. So here we are, not having to pay rent, with some steady and unsteady flows of income...to the point where we can save and invest in things...and I'm honestly nervous about what's around the corner. I feel like something has to happen to even things out again, there's too much good going on right now.

I hope I'm wrong. I really, really hope I'm wrong. Because seeing a light at the end of the tunnel is kinda nice.